{"id":9920,"date":"2019-03-31T17:24:24","date_gmt":"2019-03-31T21:24:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/newvinegrowing.wordpress.com\/?p=9920"},"modified":"2019-06-07T13:37:50","modified_gmt":"2019-06-07T17:37:50","slug":"first-we-learn-to-conform-then-we-learn-to-honor-our-authenticity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/first-we-learn-to-conform-then-we-learn-to-honor-our-authenticity\/","title":{"rendered":"First we learn to conform, then we learn to honor our authenticity"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Colleen
I never asked anyone if this dress was cool or if they liked it. I *loved* it and wore it until I had so outgrown it that it literally wouldn’t zip any more.<\/figcaption><\/figure>
\nIt did not come naturally to me to conform.<\/strong>
\nI was a strong-willed only child, used to making up the rules of games I played alone. If other kids weren’t interested in doing what I wanted, it didn’t trouble me to continue amusing myself.
\nIn middle school, the social consequences for pursuing my own wants and needs surprised me.<\/strong>
\nOn more than one occasion, I wore an outfit to school that I thought was fun and creative, only to feel the disapproval and mocking from other kids.
\nOne of the popular girls once told me, “You’d be pretty if you curled your hair.” In retrospect, I think she was trying to be helpful, to show me the way to fitting in, but at the time, I felt hurt and offended. So I’m not pretty because I don’t do my hair like yours?
\nA boy I liked platonically invited me to his birthday party. I didn’t have plans, so I asked my mom to give me a ride. I arrived to find I was the only girl there, because it had not occurred to me to ask around to see if other girls were going.
\nEventually, I clued in. Girls ask each other what they’re wearing to the dance and what time they’re going, then disappear into the bathroom in giant giggling herds to decide collectively what to do or not do in response to a boy’s action.
\nI learned the rules and I got reasonably good at them. But I never liked them.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Learning to play the game pays off<\/h2>\n

It’s served me well to learn to read social cues.
\nMotivated by my awkward teenage years, I starting paying attention to how groups worked. I feel like an amateur sociologist, fascinated by our collective behavior.<\/strong>
\nI’m good at reading the nuance in a hostile email and identifying what the sender is really trying to accomplish.\u00a0On more than one freelance project, I’ve read the complex company politics of the client, helping me navigate not just delivering results but understanding what my contact needed to make the project a success.
\nWe are pack animals. Evolutionarily, it served us well to care whether we were following the rules of the tribe. We didn’t want to risk losing the collective protection of the herd.<\/strong>
\nI’m not saying I was wrong to get with the program. It’s helped me professionally and socially to read and adapt to social cues.
\nIt’s just time to refine how I let that information constrain my evolution.<\/p>\n

Are other people really judging me? Do I care?<\/h2>\n

In certain ways, I am comfortable letting my inner child come out to play.
\nI have taken cupcakes to the office to celebrate my birthday and I had a bouncey castle to celebrate my graduation from business school. I love waterslides, parades and fireworks.
\nBut I still hear the clucking of the middle school popular girls. I worry:<\/strong><\/p>\n