{"id":9803,"date":"2018-06-11T05:35:17","date_gmt":"2018-06-11T09:35:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/newvinegrowing.wordpress.com\/?p=9803"},"modified":"2020-02-04T21:34:17","modified_gmt":"2020-02-05T02:34:17","slug":"to-go-easier-on-yourself-talk-to-yourself-like-you-would-to-a-friend","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/to-go-easier-on-yourself-talk-to-yourself-like-you-would-to-a-friend\/","title":{"rendered":"Talk to yourself like you would to a friend — or find that friend who can speak truth to you"},"content":{"rendered":"

Your friend didn’t get nearly as much done as she would have liked today and feels guilty.
\nYour spouse has gained weight and feels unattractive.
\nYour child failed a test and feels like a failure.
\nWould you say, “You’re right, you’re a big loser,” or would you say “I love you no matter what and nobody’s perfect”?<\/p>\n

Lately I have been struck by how many conversations I’ve been in where the theme is:<\/h4>\n

She’s smart and beautiful and fun to be with, and everyone knows that except her.<\/h4>\n

I’m a big believer in setting goals and I think it’s helpful is to reflect on where I am, where I want to be and what I need to do or change to get from here to there.<\/p>\n

But as I wrote in a story for Unstuck, productive self reflection can tip to negative self criticism if you aren’t careful.<\/a><\/p>\n

Some of the warnings experts gave me about self reflection included:<\/p>\n

\u201cIf it is done poorly, without awareness, we will go into self-judgment,\u201d said Gary van Warmerdam of\u00a0PathwayToHappiness.com<\/a>. \u201cThis is in fact what a lot of people think self-reflection is. They look at what they did that day or how they procrastinated and they judge themselves as lazy, unfocused, or wasteful. This kind of beating oneself up emotionally is not self-reflection.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReal self-reflection avoids the self-judgment about what we find. This requires a mindfulness state of a neutral observer,\u201d Warmerdam said. \u201cIn that state of awareness we can look below the layers of procrastination to the emotions, thoughts, and even beliefs behind the pattern of procrastination. We might find fears of failing, of what others think of us. Or we might find a pressure to get it \u2018perfect\u2019 to avoid the fear of failure that there isn\u2019t room to try something.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReflecting is very different than dwelling on something, which can cause greater stress, anxiety, and fear. This is another reason people may avoid reflecting because they don\u2019t know the difference,\u201d said Kim Standeven, life coach, author and speaker. \u201cReflection is about discovering something new, not replaying a situation.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\"Unstuck
Want to read more about how to effectively self reflect, without falling into self criticism? Check out my stories on Unstuck.<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

It’s not your imagination — you really do see your friend’s situation more clearly than your own.<\/h4>\n

A recent New York Times article headlined\u00a0Why You Should Stop Being So Hard on Yourself <\/a><\/span>said:<\/p>\n

\n

Evolutionary psychologists have studied our natural \u201cnegativity bias<\/a>,\u201d which is that instinct in us all that makes negative experiences seem more significant than they really are.<\/p>\n

In other words: We\u2019ve evolved to give more weight to our flaws, mistakes and shortcomings than our successes.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

One of the suggestions experts shared with me is to talk to yourself like a neutral observer.<\/h4>\n

\u201cIt is hard to sit with oneself and really listen to and accept oneself without judging one\u2019s actions. Once we start to judge ourselves, our self talk becomes negative and we remain stuck,\u201d said Kathy Taberner, certified executive coach\u00a0and co-founder of Institute of Curiosity.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

I think it’s a great start to stop beating yourself up and to try to see yourself through more neutral eyes — but even better if you can show yourself the compassion and support you’d give a friend.<\/h4>\n

This turns out not to just feel better, but it’s actually more productive in reaching your goals.<\/p>\n

Imagine a coach talking to a losing team in the locker room at halftime. Is it more motivating if he says, “You’re a bunch of no-talent losers and it’s no wonder you’re getting killed out there!” or “I know you can win this, so let’s turn it around and show them what you’re made of!”<\/p>\n

Kristin Neff, associate professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, told <\/a>Charlotte Lieberman<\/a>\u00a0for her essay in the Times:<\/a><\/p>\n

\n
\n
\n

\u201cResearch shows that the No. 1 barrier to self-compassion is fear of being complacent and losing your edge,\u201d Dr. Neff said. \u201cAnd all the research shows that\u2019s not true. It\u2019s just the opposite,\u201d meaning that self-compassion can lead to greater achievement than self-criticism ever could.<\/p>\n

In fact, several studies have shown that self-compassion supports motivation and positive change.\u00a0In a 2016 study<\/a>\u00a0researchers found that \u201cself-compassion led to greater personal improvement, in part, through heightened acceptance,\u201d and that focusing on self-compassion \u201cspurs positive adjustment in the face of regrets.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

\u201cAll you have to do is think of going to a friend,\u201d Dr. Neff said. \u201cIf you said, \u2018I\u2019m feeling fat and lazy and I\u2019m not succeeding at my job,\u2019 and your friend said, \u2018Yeah, you\u2019re a loser. Just give up now. You\u2019re disgusting,\u2019 how motivating would that be?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\"Women's
This was the third women’s goal-setting session I’ve hosted. In February, this group of smart, supportive women spent the day together and made vision boards.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\nThis is one of the myriad reasons I love our women’s goal-setting sessions. Small groups of women, many of whom didn’t know each other before, sit around my dining table and talk about their aspirations.<\/p>\n

When we share the hurdles we think we need to get over to reach our goals, often wrapped in self criticism for not being there already, these smart, accomplished women push back.<\/p>\n

No, you aren’t a failure.
\nNo, you don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed.
\nNo, you’re not alone.<\/p>\n

It’s not about minimizing their feelings but instead offering an outside perspective, because it can be so easy to fall into the negativity bias. We meet their self criticism with the outside view that says, “From where I sit, you look like you’re doing great.”<\/p>\n

If you can, try self reflecting in a way that’s observing your wins for the day and what you could do better tomorrow, whether as a neutral observer or with the love of a friend. If that’s a challenge, reach out to a friend to see how someone else views your situation.<\/h4>\n

\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Imagine a coach talking to a losing team in the locker room at halftime. Is it more motivating if he says, “You’re a bunch of no-talent losers and it’s no wonder you’re getting killed out there!” or “I know you can win this, so let’s turn it around and show them what you’re made of!”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":9804,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[53,56,58],"tags":[980,1029,1439,1461,1474,1786,1864,1896,2280,2281,2284,2293,2294,2296,2655],"yoast_head":"\nTalk to yourself like you would to a friend - or find that friend who can speak truth to you - Newvine Growing<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/to-go-easier-on-yourself-talk-to-yourself-like-you-would-to-a-friend\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Talk to yourself like you would to a friend - or find that friend who can speak truth to you - Newvine Growing\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Imagine a coach talking to a losing team in the locker room at halftime. 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