{"id":8630,"date":"2017-01-14T05:20:23","date_gmt":"2017-01-14T10:20:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/newvinegrowing.wordpress.com\/?p=8630"},"modified":"2019-06-07T13:37:59","modified_gmt":"2019-06-07T17:37:59","slug":"a-guide-to-dealing-with-dissatisfaction-with-ourselves-reblog-from-zen-habits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/a-guide-to-dealing-with-dissatisfaction-with-ourselves-reblog-from-zen-habits\/","title":{"rendered":"A Guide to Dealing with Dissatisfaction with Ourselves: Reblog from Zen Habits"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"2017-goals\"
What are your resolutions? And do they come from dissatisfaction with yourself or from loving yourself?<\/figcaption><\/figure>
\nI started this year having gained back\u00a0the weight I lost a few years back<\/a>. That’s had me grumbling about both how I look and about the repeated unhealthy choices I made at the end of 2016.<\/em>
\nSo lately I’ve been getting myself to the gym more, and more frequently saying no to desserts and alcohol, which run the calories up quickly. I’ve been feeling better about my decisions.<\/em>
\nBut this recent post from Zen Habits <\/a>also resonated, with its message that we should be careful about dissatisfaction with ourselves and instead aim to make changes because we love ourselves and want to treat ourselves better.<\/em>
\nI recently saw a social media post that said something like, “I think of my time at the gym not as penance for what I have done wrong but as a celebration of what my body is capable of.” Those are two very different motivations.<\/em>
\nIn case this is useful to consider in the context of your resolutions or any goals you have for yourself:<\/em>
\nThe more I talk to people about their struggles, the more I realize that we all have some sense of dissatisfaction with ourselves.
\nI have it, and I\u2019d be willing to be everyone reading this does too. Consider some of the ways we\u2019re dissatisfied with ourselves:<\/p>\n
    \n
  • We constantly have a feeling that we should be better, doing more, more productive, more mindful, and so on.<\/li>\n
  • We doubt ourselves when we have to speak in a group or in public, and feel that we\u2019re not good enough to contribute.<\/li>\n
  • We are unhappy with certain aspects of ourselves, like our bodies, the way our faces look, the way we procrastinate or get angry or lose patience as a partner or parent.<\/li>\n
  • We think we need to improve.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    This is a constant condition, and even if we get a compliment from someone, we find a way to undercut it in our minds because we think we\u2019re not good enough for that compliment.
    \nIt affects our lives in so many ways: we might not be good at making friends, speaking in public or in a group, finding a partner, doing the work we\u2019re passionate about, finding contentment with ourselves and our lives.
    \nAnd we don\u2019t like feeling this way, so we run. We find distraction, comfort in food or alcohol or drugs or shopping, lash out at other people when we\u2019re feeling defensive about ourselves. It\u2019s at the heart of nearly all of our problems.<\/strong>
    \nSo how do we deal with this underlying problem? The answer is profoundly simple, yet not easy.
    \nBefore I go into dealing with the problem, we should discuss something first \u2014 the idea that we need to be dissatisfied with ourselves to make life improvements.<\/p>\n

    Unhappiness with Self as a Motivator<\/h3>\n

    I do think we\u2019re often driven to make improvements because we\u2019re dissatisfied with ourselves, and that\u2019s not a bad thing. We have hope for something better.
    \nBut consider:<\/p>\n

      \n
    • When we are unhappy with ourselves, it\u2019s hard to be happy when we do something good. We\u2019re still dissatisfied. So doing something good, then, isn\u2019t the reward it could be.<\/li>\n
    • We have habits<\/span> of running from this bad feeling about ourselves, so procrastination and distraction become the default mode, and this gets in the way of our efforts. In fact, we\u2019ll never solve the problems of distraction and procrastination until we can learn to deal with this problem of unhappiness with self.<\/li>\n
    • Unhappiness with self can get in the way of connecting with others (because we think we\u2019re not good enough, and so can feel anxiety about meeting others). We can\u2019t solve this, no matter how much we want to improve, until we address the underlying issue.<\/li>\n
    • Even when we make an improvement, the feeling of dissatisfaction with self doesn\u2019t go away. So we try to improve some more, and it still doesn\u2019t go away. In my experience, it never does, until you\u2019re ready to face it head on.<\/li>\n
    • During this awesome period of self improvement driven by dissatisfaction, we don\u2019t love ourselves. Which is a sad thing.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      So is it possible to get things done and make improvements without dissatisfaction with self? I\u2019ve discovered that the answer is a definite \u201cyes.\u201d
      \nYou can exercise and eat healthy not because you dislike your body and want to make it better \u2026 but because you love yourself and want to inspire your family. You can do work out of love for the people it will help. You can declutter, get out of debt, read more, and meditate not because you\u2019re dissatisfied with yourself \u2026 but because you love yourself and others.<\/strong>
      \nIn fact, I would argue that you\u2019re more<\/em> likely to do all of those things if you love yourself, and less likely if you dislike yourself.<\/p>\n

      Dealing with Dissatisfaction<\/h3>\n

      What can we do about our continual dissatisfaction with ourselves? How do we deal with self-doubt, feeling like we\u2019re not good enough, unhappiness with certain parts of ourselves?
      \nIt turns out that these feelings are perfect opportunities \u2014 to learn about ourselves and how to be friends with ourselves.<\/strong>
      \nHere\u2019s how:<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Each time we have these feelings, we can pause and just notice.<\/li>\n
      2. Turn toward the feeling, seeing how it feels in your body. Be curious about how it feels, physically.<\/li>\n
      3. Instead of running from this feeling, stay with it. Instead of rejecting it, try opening up to it and accepting it.<\/li>\n
      4. Open yourself up to the pain of this feeling, and see it as a path to opening up your heart. In this way, getting in touch with the pain is a liberating act.<\/li>\n
      5. See this difficult feeling as a sign of a good heart, soft and tender and loving. You wouldn\u2019t care about being a good person, or a \u201cgood enough\u201d person, if you didn\u2019t have a good heart. There is a basic goodness beneath all of our difficulties, and we just need to stay and notice this goodness.<\/li>\n
      6. Smile at yourself, and cultivate an unconditional friendliness to all that you see.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        Now, I\u2019m not claiming that this is an easy method, nor that it will cure our difficulties in one fell swoop. But it can start to form a trusting relationship with yourself, which can make an amazing difference.
        \nI recommend that you practice this each time you notice self-criticism, self-doubt, unhappiness with yourself, harshness toward what you see in yourself. It only has to take a minute, as you face what you feel and stay with it, with unconditional friendliness.
        \nIf you really want to focus on this powerful change, reflect on it once a day by journaling at the end of the day, reviewing how you did and what you can do to remember to practice.
        \nIn the end, I think you\u2019ll find that love is a more powerful motivator than unhappiness with yourself. And I hope you\u2019ll find a friendship with yourself that will radiate out into your relationships with everyone else you know and meet.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        I used to think, as many people do, that if we\u2019re unhappy with ourselves, we\u2019ll be driven to get better. And if we were all of a sudden content with ourselves, we\u2019d stop doing anything.
        \nI no longer believe this.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":11551,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[58],"tags":[1028,1029,1882,1885,2013,2166,2842],"yoast_head":"\nA Guide to Dealing with Dissatisfaction with Ourselves: Reblog from Zen Habits - Newvine Growing<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/a-guide-to-dealing-with-dissatisfaction-with-ourselves-reblog-from-zen-habits\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Guide to Dealing with Dissatisfaction with Ourselves: Reblog from Zen Habits - Newvine Growing\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I used to think, as many people do, that if we\u2019re unhappy with ourselves, we\u2019ll be driven to get better. 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