{"id":6308,"date":"2015-04-11T05:45:00","date_gmt":"2015-04-11T09:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/newvinegrowing.wordpress.com\/?p=6308"},"modified":"2019-06-07T13:38:09","modified_gmt":"2019-06-07T17:38:09","slug":"when-friends-decide-its-time-to-use-the-l-word","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/when-friends-decide-its-time-to-use-the-l-word\/","title":{"rendered":"When friends decide it's time to use the L word"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’ve really been feeling the love lately.
\nMore accurately, I’ve been hearing the love.
\n

\"Who<\/a>
Who do you need to hug and say “I love you” to?
Photo by Jennie-O used under Creative Commons license.<\/figcaption><\/figure>
\nI have been conscious recently of how many of our friends will give me a big hug and say, “I love you” or maybe more often “I love you guys,” wrapping me and John into the declaration of affection.
\nThis feels relatively recent. While a few of our oldest friends have used the L word with us on the phone for years, I don’t recall hearing it in person from newer friends until maybe a year or two ago.
\nAt first I thought maybe it was a function of us reaching the nine-year mark in New York. Maybe we’ve known people here long enough that we have deep connections, not just social playmates.
\nBut then I thought about that and realized we have friends in New Orleans who openly share their love with us, too, and though we visit often, we’re far still from rooted there.
\nMaybe it’s something about midlife, when more of our friends are parents who are\u00a0comfortable telling their kids they love them and that practice follows into other parts of their lives, and\u00a0more of us have lost someone close so\u00a0we’re more aware that our time together is precious? Maybe we value our friendships more as we age?
\nI believe the meaning of life is loving and being loved. Loving someone else, whether a family member, friend or pet, opens your heart and\u00a0lifts you outside your own selfishness to care about the wants and needs of another. I believe all human motivation simmers down to love or fear, and I try as often as I can to choose love.
\nSo why is it in every case I can think of, when a friend has first said “I love you,” I’m temporarily knocked off balance and don’t immediately reciprocate? Why can I not think of a single case where I was the first to say it, even when I would chew glass for a friend I love deeply?
\nA Wall Street Journal article headlined “I Just Called to Say, Ahem, I, Uhh, Love You<\/a>” lets me know it’s not just me. Writer Elizabeth Bernstein says directly, “It isn’t necessarily less risky to express love to a platonic friend than to a lover.”<\/p>\n

To minimize our emotional vulnerability, many of us have found easy-breezy (read: “safe”) ways to express our affection: “Lots of love.” “Hugs and Kisses.” “XOXO.”
\nHere’s the problem with this: It doesn’t make us feel any closer to each other. “Throwing out a ‘love ya’ as a catch phrase isn’t the same as saying, ‘I love you’ with real intent,” says Dr. Kirschner. When we look a friend in the eye and tell him we love him, or vice versa, the brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, she says. This doesn’t happen when we fire off a quick “Luv U” text.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

We joke about the drunken “I love you man” dude declarations of affection, but maybe sloppy\u00a0and\u00a0slurry feels less risky? In that environment, it’s OK if the other person doesn’t say it back because, hey, we were just wasted.
\n