{"id":5992,"date":"2014-06-07T05:45:34","date_gmt":"2014-06-07T09:45:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/?p=5992"},"modified":"2019-06-07T13:38:50","modified_gmt":"2019-06-07T17:38:50","slug":"intimacy-and-passion-are-different","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/intimacy-and-passion-are-different\/","title":{"rendered":"Intimacy and passion are different, advises couples therapist Esther Perel"},"content":{"rendered":"
\nMy fabulous British journalist friend Jane Mulkerrins<\/a> travels the globe interviewing celebrities (Kevin Kline<\/a>, Liv Tyler<\/a>, Billy Bob Thornton<\/a>,\u00a0Tilda Swinton<\/a>, Victoria’s Secret models<\/a>\u00a0… it goes on and on) but that’s not all she does. She recently interviewed\u00a0Esther Perel, a couples therapist in\u00a0New York.
\nThe headline on Jane’s article in the Telegraph tells you this is going to be good reading:
\nThe closer the couple, the better the sex? Not so<\/a><\/strong>\n<\/div>\n
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Received wisdom teaches that intimacy and openness lead to satisfying\u00a0sex, yet Perel was witnessing plenty of low libidos and sexless marriages even among the closest of couples. \u201cIt led me to begin an exploration of the nature of erotic desire in long-term relationships,\u201d she says. The result of her explorations was a book,\u00a0Mating in Captivity<\/a>, and a somewhat counterintuitive conclusion: that intimacy can often impede desire, and closeness, rather than fanning the flames, can quash the sexual spark.<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n

\nPerel tells Jane that love and desire are “parallel narratives,” that being secure and intimate with someone is different from erotic desire. That broken in sweatshirt you love to lounge around in is comfy, but it doesn’t make your heart race.
\nPlus pursuit seems to be an important element of desire. Have you ever really wanted something — a job, a vacation, a car — and once you got it, the thrill of having wasn’t as big as the thrill of wanting? Maybe that’s because we take for granted what we have, maybe it’s because the distance between you and what you wanted closed.
\nHow many television series have lost a spark once the “will they or won’t they” sexual tension gave way to two people becoming a couple?
\n\u00a0In her TED talk, Perel asks if we can want what we already have:<\/em>
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