{"id":5965,"date":"2014-05-17T05:45:20","date_gmt":"2014-05-17T09:45:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/?p=5965"},"modified":"2019-06-07T13:38:51","modified_gmt":"2019-06-07T17:38:51","slug":"how-to-make-a-marriage-work-reblog-from-leo-babauta-of-zen-habits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/how-to-make-a-marriage-work-reblog-from-leo-babauta-of-zen-habits\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Make a Marriage Work, reblog from Leo Babauta of Zen Habits"},"content":{"rendered":"

My husband, John, and I celebrated our 14-year wedding anniversary this week, which had us reflecting on our gratitude for our happy marriage and what we think we’ve learned since we first said, “I do.”<\/em>
\nJust a few days before our anniversary, Leo Babauta\u00a0included the following tips in his email newsletter, Zen Habits<\/a>. I thought it was perfect timing, better than a coincidence.<\/em>
\nHow to Make a Marriage Work<\/strong>
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

By\u00a0Leo Babauta<\/a><\/h6>\n

I\u2019ve been happily married 11 years, and I\u2019m still as in love with my beautiful wife Eva now as when I first fell for her 13 years ago.
\nThat\u2019s not to say we don\u2019t have our problems and arguments, but we\u2019re getting better and better at making it work. I realize there are lots of people who have been happily married four, five, six times as long as us. And I bow to them, knowing that I still have lots to learn.
\nBut a young friend of mine told me recently that he\u2019s engaged, after only starting to date a very short time ago \u2026 and I offered him the advice below. Marriage is hard work, and getting married young you have the odds stacked against you, but my friend is intelligent, determined, adaptable, honest and good-hearted, so he\u2019s got a chance and I wish him happiness.
\nI had a failed young marriage, which I now think was not the fault of either me or my ex-wife, but it taught me that I had a lot to learn and made a lot of mistakes. I\u2019ve applied the lessons to my first failed marriage to helping make my second marriage better.
\nSo \u2026 some thoughts on making a marriage work:
\nLearn to resolve disputes with the other person\u2019s heart in mind<\/strong>. The most important thing is to be able to talk about problems and feelings calmly and with the other person\u2019s interest at heart \u2014 not just wanting to be right. If you\u2019re going to make it work, you\u2019ll have to work on a way to talk about tough things, and this means you both have to try to see it from the other person\u2019s perspective, and find a solution that will work. You\u2019ll likely be bad at this in the beginning, but whether you\u2019ll last depends on your ability to come back together after a fight and figure out how to get better at communicating\/resolving things the next time.
\nEva and I have gotten much better at this, not blowing up over things like we used to, but we still struggle. Recently we\u2019ve come up with a system: have a mandatory cooling-down period (say, 2 hours), then talk about it starting with a neutral description of the situation and what happened, then share our feelings about it and acknowledge the other person\u2019s feelings, put aside wanting to be right, then focus on finding a solution that will work for both of us. Afterwards, we then do a review of how we did with the resolution process. To be honest, we are still figuring this out.
\nMost disputes and other conversations are about two things: do you care about me, and can I trust you<\/strong>. When you argue about putting the toilet seat down or whether we should go to the in-laws\u2019 for Thanksgiving, it\u2019s only partly about those actual things. What it\u2019s really about is this: I care about the toilet seat (or going to my parents\u2019 house for dinner), so can you show me you care about what I care about? If you ignore the other person\u2019s desires (continually leave the toilet seat up when they ask you not to), then you are signaling you don\u2019t care about what they care about. And what it\u2019s really about is, I\u2019ve given you my heart and opened up to you, so can I trust you with it? Will you reject me?
\nUnfortunately, most people don\u2019t recognize this and can sometimes think the other person\u2019s concerns are silly and so they dismiss the issue. The other problem is the person who cares about it doesn\u2019t explicitly say they care about it and want the other person to care \u2014 they just imply it and hope their partner gets the message. So the responsibility is on both partners to figure this out.
\nI should note that ideally, the care and trust of the other person doesn\u2019t need to be continually tested and questioned \u2014 you know it. That\u2019s not always the case, though, and it often takes time to build that trust.
\nFinances are the biggest source of friction for most couples<\/strong>. The reason is that they really are an emotion-packed way to show what\u2019s important to people, and when you think you\u2019re talking about whether you want to buy a boat, what you\u2019re really talking about is whether you want a certain kind of lifestyle, whether you value her point of view, whether you respect her opinion on things, whether you care more about the boat or your relationship, and so on. There\u2019s a lot that goes on under the surface of conversations like this that most people don\u2019t realize is there \u2014 bringing it out in the open is a smart move.
\nSex is another source of friction<\/strong>. When preferences are the same, all is well, but when things change the guy can feel frustrated while the girl can feel like she\u2019s not enough and not appreciated and only wanted for her body (to bring up a common example, not always true). Being able to work out how to resolve these differences is an important skill.
\nDon\u2019t have kids early on<\/strong>. One of the most wonderful people in my life is my daughter Chloe, who I had young and in the earliest stage of my first marriage, and I wasn\u2019t even 20 years old yet. I am incredibly glad I had her. That said, for other young couples I recommend waiting. Learning to make a marriage work is much, much harder when you add the pressure of kids to the equation. Get good at the relationship before even considering a kid. Get to know each other\u2019s values around parenting, really well, before diving into parenthood. It\u2019s pretty much irreversible, once you have a kid, and I know lots of people (myself included) who grow apart or fall out of love with their partner, split up, only to leave the kid in a split home. And if you have a kid you have to deal with the ex-spouse for the rest of your life, even if you hate each other. I\u2019m lucky in that my ex-wife and I get along, but it\u2019s often not that easy.
\nBe good at being alone separately<\/strong>. And secure in yourselves and each other when you\u2019re apart \u2026 not just good at being together. This is important, because lots of people aren\u2019t confident in themselves and so look to the other person to fill a void, to meet an emotional need, and that ends up being not healthy in the long run.
\nBut make time for each other<\/strong>. Time to be together, even when things get out of the honeymoon phase and get more routine. Never take the relationship for granted. Make weekly dates so you spend time alone together. Eva and I like to go to dinner alone (without the kids) and take walks together.
\nYou will both change<\/strong>. That means the person you fall in love with now will be different in 5 years, and more different in 10. How you feel about that person will be different than how you feel about the person you love right now. And vice versa \u2014 you\u2019re changing and she\u2019ll feel differently about you. You might have an expectation that she stay the same, and yet she changes \u2014 how will you resolve this? She\u2019ll feel like you don\u2019t love her as she is, you\u2019ll be frustrated that she\u2019s not who she was before that you loved, etc. And vice versa.
\nHow do you handle this? Learn this skill:
\nAppreciate the person for who they are<\/strong>. Very often we wish the other person were different, were better, were more considerate, could instantly know what we want, would match up with some fantasy (strong, tender, caring and romantic, perhaps, or sexy, always passionate about sex, nurturing). We don\u2019t always realize this is happening, but it can cause lots of problems \u2014 resentment, disappointments, frustrations. I\u2019ve learned that when I see my wife for who she really is, not who I wish she were (though I sometimes fail), I am happier. I appreciate her, love her, am not dissatisfied.
\nYou can appreciate the person as they are right now, instead of who you thought they were when you first fell in love, instead of who they might become later. This is an ever-changing thing, so the skill of seeing the person as they actually are at this moment is one that you have to practice each day, each year, not just once and then hold the picture in your head.
\nAnd when you can appreciate the person for who they are, tell them. Show them. It means more than you might realize.
\nSo that\u2019s what I\u2019ve learned \u2014 it\u2019s only a start, and I\u2019m still learning. It\u2019s a lot of work, and there will be struggles. But that\u2019s the best thing: the pleasant days when all is well are amazing, but in the struggles you both grow as people, you learn, you can find a path to growing closer.
\nI don\u2019t know what the future holds for my marriage, but I know that in this moment, it\u2019s all that I could want it to be.<\/p>\n

From Leo:\u00a0This entire blog, and all my ebooks, are uncopyrighted (since\u00a0January 2008<\/a>).\u00a0That means I\u2019ve put them in the public domain, and released my copyright on all these works.<\/em><\/p>\n

Some other Zen Habits posts I\u2019ve loved enough to share:<\/strong><\/p>\n