{"id":1308,"date":"2009-12-11T08:45:18","date_gmt":"2009-12-11T13:45:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/?p=1308"},"modified":"2019-06-07T13:42:30","modified_gmt":"2019-06-07T17:42:30","slug":"guest-blogger-lisa-g-my-mothers-death-changed-my-life-for-the-better","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/guest-blogger-lisa-g-my-mothers-death-changed-my-life-for-the-better\/","title":{"rendered":"Guest blogger Lisa G.: My mother's death changed my life for the better"},"content":{"rendered":"

Editor’s note: Lisa and I are friends in part because we’ve lived parallel lives. We’re both Michigan natives living the life of a Manhattan suit. We both endured a relationship failure that helped us redefine what we wanted out of life. And we both lost our mothers at 51. Lisa saw my post on the anniversary of my mom’s death<\/a> and decided she wanted to honor her mother in the same way. She’s marking her mom’s anniversary today.<\/em>
\n

\"\"<\/a>
Lisa and her mom at Niagara Falls.<\/figcaption><\/figure>
\n <\/em>My mother\u2019s death helped change my life for the better.
\nNo, really.\u00a0 Let me explain.
\nMom\/Peg (she\u2019d better not catch you calling her Maggie or Peggy) was complex, intelligent, strong, funny and sarcastic.\u00a0 She was also hot-tempered, stubbornly proud, quick to judge and slow to forgive (if ever).\u00a0 She was not truly estranged from anyone as far as I remember, but several of her relationships had lasting tensions and issues that were never fully resolved.
\nEven with me.
\nMom had always lived her life based on what one was then supposed to do: marry, stay home to raise a family, and THEN indulge pursuits like going back to school\/work or traveling the world.\u00a0 Those were the kind of things one does after<\/span> the kids have moved out on their own.\u00a0 Only for Mom, later wasn\u2019t going to come.\u00a0 She was diagnosed with systemic scleroderma just as my brother and I had reached a point where she could begin pursuing her own objectives.\u00a0 Mom had just started taking some college classes to get caught back up with the workforce she had left while pregnant with me. The resulting regrets and her bitterness over them came through loud and clear, from that diagnosis to the time she died 11 years later.
\nRight up until losing Mom, I would have told you that I was already living my life purposefully and in a way that made meaning of what she was going through.\u00a0 I stayed as fit as possible (still do).\u00a0 I went to college, married the \u201cperfect\u201d guy, and was working full-time while racing through law school at night.\u00a0 Yep, had it all figured out.
\nThen Mom died.\u00a0 Fourteen years ago today.
\nHer death brought with it an uncomfortable realization for me: in spite of all my efforts to the contrary, I had ended up on the nearly the same path, built upon getting (albeit with a more hurried pace) the things I was supposed<\/em> to achieve.\u00a0 Somewhere along the way, I had forgotten to step back and truly define for myself what kind of life I wanted to have.\u00a0 My plans up to that point had focused primarily on external criteria that could be captured like bullet points on a resume, rather than things like the quality and depth of my friendships and how the people and experiences in my life made me feel.
\nFiguring out how to really learn from Mom\u2019s experience and avoid the same pitfalls took on an even stronger urgency for me.\u00a0 Now I focused on a two-part strategy: solid relationships and new experiences.\u00a0 My tolerance waned for people and situations that didn\u2019t fit this plan.
\n
\"\"<\/a>
Some of the many full pages in Lisa's passport.<\/figcaption><\/figure>
\nI got a passport for the first time at age 30.\u00a0 Six years later, it was full.
\nI recognized that while I was expanding my views on life and the world around me, my husband was seeking a smaller and simpler existence.\u00a0 I had been trying for years to be whatever it was he wanted, and my efforts to hit that moving target weren\u2019t working for either one of us.\u00a0 So I decided to start being myself instead, and accept the consequences that might have on our relationship.\u00a0 Ultimately, it meant giving up on my dream of getting marriage right the first time and stepping into the unknown of potentially ending up alone.
\nI traveled around Europe alone and wandered on a whim into an out-of-the-way bistro in Paris full of locals except for one empty stool at the bar.\u00a0 That led to a whirlwind six-week romance which included spending the holidays in a mansion in the south of France.
\nThen I learned to speak French.
\nI saw that visiting New York on business was creating an internal conflict for me between brief glimpses and exposures to a cosmopolitan gateway to the world and my suburban existence, which now felt too small.\u00a0 So I left the beautiful home, the car – especially tough for a Motor City girl – and the many friends whom I now realize were acquaintances and moved to Manhattan, where I knew absolutely nobody and worked in the world of \u201cThe Devil Wears Prada.”.
\nI began saying \u201cI love you\u201d to my father every time we talked on the phone, no matter how unnatural it felt.\u00a0 We now exchange those words without thinking twice, and he is as much a friend to me as he is a parent. (Next up:\u00a0 doing the same with my brother)
\nI actively reached out to my extended family: the aunts, uncles and cousins who had always existed on the fringes of our lives.\u00a0 Now, they are a stronger and more regular part of my world than they ever were. In their voices and stories and mannerisms (especially those of her four sisters), my mother lives on.\u00a0 Much as I may complain to friends about making so many trips back to \u201cthe mitten,\u201d it is great to feel that sense of belonging to something larger, like being a member of a special club that not just anyone can join.
\nShedding the emotional handicaps that I inherited from Mom is the biggest ongoing challenge. When watching a movie or sitcom, it\u2019s always obvious that the characters need to swallow their pride and take the risk of telling one another how they really feel.\u00a0 Doing it myself is a work in progress – both in friendships and romance – though I\u2019d like to think that I\u2019m getting better\u2026
\n\u2026and that Mom would be proud.
\nGod, I miss her.\u00a0 Every last stubborn, proud, angry, sarcastic, wicked smart, funny part of her.
\n
\n<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Editor’s note: Lisa and I are friends in part because we’ve lived parallel lives. We’re both Michigan natives living the life of a Manhattan suit. We both endured a relationship failure that helped us redefine what we wanted out of life. And we both lost our mothers at 51. Lisa saw my post on the anniversary of my mom’s death…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":11551,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[57],"tags":[185,655,1318,1339,1558,1605,1814,2149,2280,2293],"yoast_head":"\nGuest blogger Lisa G.: My mother's death changed my life for the better - Newvine Growing<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/staging.communify.me\/newvinegrowing\/guest-blogger-lisa-g-my-mothers-death-changed-my-life-for-the-better\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Guest blogger Lisa G.: My mother's death changed my life for the better - Newvine Growing\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Editor’s note: Lisa and I are friends in part because we’ve lived parallel lives. 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