When your significant other talks to you, how do you respond? How do your heart and head feel when you answer? Do you answer?
A story in the Atlantic reported on two related trends in couples that survive and those that don’t.
In Masters of Love, Emily Esfahani Smith reports on the research of psychologists John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute, which aims to help couples create stronger relationships.
Back in 1986, John Gottman and a colleague studied newlyweds interacting in a lab, then followed up with them six years later.
They found that those that had either split or were chronically unhappy showed physiological signs of a fight-or-flight response, like quick heart rate and blood flow, just talking with their spouses:

Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger. Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other. For example, each member of a couple could be talking about how their days had gone, and a highly aroused husband might say to his wife, “Why don’t you start talking about your day. It won’t take you very long.”

The couples still together and happy didn’t show that same tension when talking to each other:

They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

I don’t know what the cause and effect is in these two groups. Did the tense couples split because they were unpleasant to each other in their conversations, or were there other problems in their relationships making them snap at each other and that’s just how the beginnings of the rupture showed to the outside world?
But I think it’s interesting that the doomed couples weren’t just showing that physical stress during an argument. Even having a routine discussion caused them anxiety.
It seems obvious that a healthy relationship requires communication, and that if every conversation causes tension, the wheels will come off the bus.
In a follow-up study, John Gottman invited 130 newlywed couples to spend a day at a retreat, then he watched how they interacted with one another.
He found that each of the partners would make what he called “bids” — reaching out to ask for the other person’s attention. Maybe it’s remarking on something you see or read or hear, for example, and looking for a response. The mate can either engage and show interest, or turn away by not responding, responding minimally without really interrupting what they were doing or responding with hostility.
The couples that had divorced six years later responded to each other’s bids 33 percent of the time when they were at the retreat, while those still together six years later had done so 87 percent of the time.
So just taking the time to care about what your mate cares about predicts relationship success.
John and I have a ritual of reading in bed for an hour or so each night before light out. It’s our time to wind down and reconnect after the day.
Sometimes when I’m reading and John wants to share something, I feel interrupted, my train of thought broken. As soon as I switch gears, though, I feel the love behind him giving this gift — I read this thing I thought you might find interesting and I want to offer it to you.
Often when I’m reading John says, “I love when you share things with me.” He’s not just responding to my bids. He’s asking for them. I think the Gottmans would approve.
There’s so much good relationship advice in the full Atlantic article. I encourage you to check it out for inspiration on how to build an environment of trust with your mate.