John and I celebrated our first decade of marriage yesterday.
For our wedding ceremony, we asked three couples whose marriages we admired to share words of wisdom on what it takes to make a marriage work. It was a job they all took seriously and their insights helped focus our wedding on our deep desire to have a happy, healthy partnership.
Having made it this far, I think we’ve learned a few things for ourselves, too.
In honor of our 10th anniversary, I am sharing 10 dos and don’ts that I think have helped get us here. Yesterday’s post was five I do’s. Today it’s on to the I don’ts.
Disclaimer: I am not a marriage expert. The only thing that makes me qualified to offer marriage advice is being in the 50 percent of marriages that haven’t ended in divorce. Oh, and I have a blog.
I don’ts

6. Not every disagreement needs to be resolved — Sometimes you can both be right.
When we were newlyweds, John preferred 2 percent milk and I liked skim. Initially he’d try to convince me that 2 percent tasted better and I’d argue about the lower calories of skim.
Rather than one of us having to give in, or choosing a middle ground like 1 percent that made neither of us happy, we just started buying two separate milks.
John likes to go to sleep later than I do, so he got a small book light and I got an eye shade so he can stay up reading after I drift off.
Our marriage has been a series of these win-win solutions, where we look for a way for both of us to get what we want.

7. Don’t expect your spouse to be just like you — I am a type-A MBA who always has a to-do list handy and a detailed plan for the future, John has the laid-back artist temperament and is flexible enough to just let life unfold for him.
Sometimes I wish he saw the world like I do, so we wouldn’t have to quarrel over things where I am so clearly right.
Then I realize that our differences are what make us stronger as a team. He’s taught me to not be so tightly wound and I’ve helped him move forward on some life goals he might have otherwise let slide.
The more I keep in mind that John is my husband, not my clone, the better. It makes dinner conversation more interesting to learn how he sees the world and it means I learn from him as he teaches me about things he’s passionate about.
8. Don’t depend on your spouse for everything — It might seem romantic to want to be with your spouse 24/7, but see the above. John’s not interested in everything I want to do and I’m not interested in everything he wants to do. We’re different and that’s good.
I love spending time with John. He’s my favorite playmate. But we don’t limit ourselves to only activities that we both enjoy.
John has a little group of guys he likes to see movies with. He likes going to movies more often than I do and I think it’s important for him to have guy time, so it’s great.
I’ve been active in the University of Michigan alumni community since arriving in New York. John occasionally goes to alumni events with me, but often doesn’t. That’s my thing, not his.
On vacation, I’ve found that if we have one afternoon where we go off and do our own thing, we have a better time. We see and do things we can tell each other about and we get to enjoy activities without feeling we’re dragging the other along.
9. Don’t save romance for Valentine’s Day — One of my first editors, Maria Stuart, taught me that romance is not a dozen roses once a year, it’s your beloved holding your hair while you throw up.
That lesson has stayed with me and it’s a guiding principle for our marriage.
John and I treat each other with little kindnesses on pretty much a daily basis. He makes me breakfast almost every morning, and John loves having his feet rubbed so that’s part of our nighttime ritual.
I never have to question whether John is thinking of me because the way he lives his life tells me he does.
10. Don’t take each other for granted — If half of marriages end up in divorce, and Tiger Woods and Jesse James again show us that being married doesn’t necessarily mean being faithful, saying “I do” doesn’t mean slacking off.
We got together by choice and we stay together by choice, so I think it’s important to keep affirming those decisions.
It’s easy to get comfortable, or tired, or distracted by life, and not make time to romance your mate. But I figure if you’d take the time to send a thank you note to someone who gave you a gift, why wouldn’t you try at least that hard with your husband?
This doesn’t mean being on your best behavior and superficial for your entire married lives. But sending your wife flowers just because you love her? Who doesn’t want a reminder once in a while?
And here’s your bonus tip: laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh. John makes me laugh nearly every day, sometimes so hard I snort. Even if I wanted to stay mad at him, how can I not love someone who makes me laugh?
What do you think? I’d love to hear from married folks who agree or disagree with my advice, or who have advice of their own.
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